I am delighted to announce that next month, you will begin to receive ACR Updates in a new format. The new ACR Update will be weekly, rather than monthly, and will include more information about ACR events and activities condensed into one email. This will replace many of the emails you are currently receiving from ACR. Additionally, the new ACR Update will also include timely, easy to share, articles about new developments in the conflict resolution field. I am sure you will find the new format to be visually pleasing and easy to read.

Would you like to get more involved in ACR? There are several task forces and committees that would like additional members to help with their projects. Please contact me at maryakolman@gmail.com to discuss opportunities that match your interests and talents.

Marya Cody Kolman
ACR President

Adele Grunberg is a San Francisco mediator who facilitates conversation between parties to help them resolve their conflicts and discover more successful ways of communicating.

We hope you will take a moment to read the Workplace Section Newsletter! Please click here to view. It is full of important dates and news.

Let us know what you think!

Barb Beatty
Tri-Chair Workplace Section

The Annual Conference is ACR’s largest event each year. It provides opportunities for ACR members and potential members to come together for networking, educational programs, and discussion of current issues in the conflict resolution field. We are very excited about our upcoming 2013 conference, Making Peace Happen: New Normals, which will take place in Minneapolis, Minnesota, October 9-11, 2013. The keynote speaker is Grande Lum, the Director of the United States Department of Justice Community Relations Program. The conference schedule at a glance is on the ACR website at. The full schedule, with workshop titles and presenter names, will be posted within the next ten days. Registration opens April 1, 2013. Make your plans now to attend the 2013 conference!

We begin conference planning more than a year in advance. Plans are already underway for the 2014 conference that will take place in Cincinnati, Ohio in October 2014. See the article here for details on a contest to create the conference logo for the 2014 conference.

ACR is currently in the process of exploring ideas for future conferences. The Board has appointed a Future Conference Task Force to take a fresh look at our conferences and make recommendations on how we can make them even better. If you have suggestions or would like to be part of a telephone focus group, please contact me.

Marya Cody Kolman
ACR President

Many years ago, Mom and Dad walked into my office and stated in no uncertain terms that they had never agreed on anything, that they did not currently agree on anything, and that they would never agree on anything. They made it very clear to me that mediation would be a total waste of time. I acknowledged how frustrating it must be to be told by a judge that they had to try mediation for at least 2 hours. They ranted and raved for a while about how unfair it was that they were forced to do mediation when they knew that it would not help them. I acknowledged and validated their feelings and noted that they must be so worn out from being in conflict for so long. I also assured them that they did not have to come to any agreements in my office and that they were free to leave whenever they wanted. They breathed a collective sign of relief. When I asked them what had brought them into court, the floodgates opened and they talked practically nonstop for over two hours. I listened as they told the history of their marriage, the struggles with their special-needs child, and the pain that they both still felt about how the marriage had unraveled. I reflected what I heard and saw. I gave them my full attention. I stayed in the moment and was fully present for the conversation. I asked if they wanted a different relationship. They said yes, but said they did not believe that it could happen. I asked if they would want to spend just a little time exploring what it would take to forge a new relationship while at the same time assuring them that we could stop at any point in time. They said yes, and the dynamics between Mom and Dad started to shift, just a little bit. Four 2-hour sessions later, they had not only come up with a plan to solve the presenting problem, they also came up with a 7-point plan for making major decisions for their child in the future. In addition, they came to a deeper understanding of why their marriage ended. They went up the ladder of resolution that Ken Cloke talks about. They stopped the conflict, settled the presenting issue, came to resolution of the underlying issues, forgave each other, reconciled their relationship by gaining a deeper understanding of the good that each of them brought to the previous as well as their post-divorce parenting relationship, and put in place a method to deal with future decisions about their child. A few years later, I heard from Dad, who asked if I remembered him. How could I forget such an extraordinary mediation? Dad was calling to say that he and Mom had been meeting to talk about changes in their child's schedule and had agreed on all the issues and that they needed me to do the court work. I reminded Dad that I couldn't be the attorney after having been the mediator. I suggested that they come in together so we could review what they had discussed and then I could refer them to attorneys. Dad said that they didn't need mediation because they had it all worked out - they just needed a new court order and wanted it to be done without the conflict that had been a part of their divorce. So, I referred Dad to a few attorneys who worked from a non-adversarial perspective and assured him that he and Mom would be in good hands. I still smile when I think of the extraordinary transformation that took place for this family.

Dear Colleagues,

Last month I asked you to share your experiences in making peace happen when parties in mediation and other facilitated conversations began to work together to resolve their differences. Several of you shared heartwarming stories about how parties, who were previously entrenched in conflicting positions, started listening to each other and communicating with each other. You will find the first of these stories by clicking this link. Please continue to share your experiences in making peace happen (omitting all identifying all confidential information) by emailing them to me.

Unfortunately, parties are not always able to make peace happen. Usually, this just results in parties continuing their conflict. However, the horrific shooting in Phoenix, following a mediation session, shockingly reminded us that conflict resolution processes are not exempt from the wave of gun violence sweeping the United States. Our thoughts are with the victims, their families and friends, and all those affected by this tragedy.

While there is seemingly no way to anticipate or prevent this type of rampage, the Phoenix shooting has caused many of us to consider how to make our processes safer for our parties and ourselves. We would like to identify best practices for safely handling high conflict and potential dangerous situations. I am forming a task force to explore the literature and research in our field and related disciplines and develop resources for practitioners. Please let me know if you would like to participate in this project.

Marya Cody Kolman
ACR President

I'm an elder mediator. I recently worked with a family of 3 sisters who had grown so suspicious and distrusting of each other, they were barely speaking. Their issues centered on the care of their father, who had dementia and had difficult behavior.

They had agreed to let a licensed fiduciary handle the money for Dad's care, as they did not wish to get in fights about money, on top of everything else. Dad had enough to pay for all he needed. The dispute involved beliefs about what one sister was doing in relation to Dad, and the objections of the others as to what they thought the effect of her actions were. They believed that she was telling the doctors what to do for her Dad with regard to medication. They thought she was "running the show" because she was in closer proximity to Dad than the other two sisters. Dad had previously been hostile and accusatory to this local sister and despite the fact that he was very demented, the distantly located two sisters thought his accusations were true. They were not able to see that his behavior was driven by his disease. The local sister was hurt and confused as to why her siblings would treat her that way.

The fiduciary was worried that the 3 sisters would destroy their own relationships with each other and she referred the matter for family mediation.

We managed the mediation entirely by phone, as the distance prevented the 3 from coming together. For part of the sessions, the fiduciary participated. For one of the sessions, a nurse-care manager also participated. (This could also have been done via Skype). Their input was very useful. We conducted 3 sessions to establish their agreements and one to follow up to see how well all were able to adhere to their agreements.

Each session was two hours. During each, specific agreements were reached about Dad, about communication with each other and about the "rules of engagement". All signed off on them when they received them via email. We reviewed how it all worked in the next session. It was amazing how the hostility melted as we progressed. With the mediator's help, all of the sisters were able to listen to one another and ask each other questions. Early in this process, Dad had had a fall and hit his head. Oddly, it seemed to be a sort of "reset" of his mental status. He seemed to forget that he had accused his local daughter of all manner of horrible things (all apparently untrue) and wanted to know when she was coming over for dinner. By the last session, all 3 sisters were in good terms, working in cooperation and texting one another daily as to Dad's status and progress as he returned from the hospital to home care. Their relationships were restored to enable them to plan for and oversee the very best care for their dad.

About two months later, I learned from the care manager that the Dad had died. I felt a great sense of satisfaction that these sisters had restored the peace among them, shared the last tasks for dad's quality of life together, and still had good relationships with each other to rely on after his passing.